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Lawyer jokes - jokes about lawyers (361 to 375)Jokes about lawyer. These are funny jokes with lawyers! These are the jokes listed 361 to 375. |
Lawyers should never ask a Sou...
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
On their way to get married, a...
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"Clinton Collections
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagoncame to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed
about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the
middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates
him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot
of folks still siphoning."
No-one home
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?""Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
Dirty taste...
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.
The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again.
The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.
The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Be Careful When Robbing Lawyers
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. Theold legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their
money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!"
Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. Thelawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all
I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid
for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for
this trip."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.
The new lawyer...
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
History Of Lawyers
Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
Burglary Witness
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
