Lawyer jokes - jokes about lawyers (811 to 825)

Have you heard about the lawye...

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? No matter what font you use, everything comes out in fine print.

Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Solving a dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Humor About Senior Citizens

OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up

OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references

OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

Walking past the Royal Courts ...

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Did you hear about the terrori...

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a courtroom full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

A lawyer married a woman...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What, said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "Well, You're a lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Do you know how cold the weath...

Do you know how cold the weather was today? It was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Unreasonable bill

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

An engi...

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

(With apologies to any lawyers reading this ... but the rest of us think it's funny ...)

Why are the blinds drawn...

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

An elderly woman walked into t...

An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No" she answered

"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.

"No", She replied

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

"I won it by betting" she stated.

"As in horses?"

"No", she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked.

"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

The Good, The Bad & The ...

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.