Mother jokes (1921 to 1935)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1921 to 1935. |
A paper bag goes to the doctor...
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
"But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year" asks the doctor.
"No, how can I!?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag"
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that"
"I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag"
"Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "As I suspected... Your mother must have been a carrier"
The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Ted ran a successful flo...
Ted ran a successful flower shop. One day, right next door to his store, a bunch of monks opened up a flower shop too. They started doing so well they were putting him out of business, so he begged them to relocate. They didn't. He sent his sweet little old mother to beg them to move and they still refused. Ted was worried. So he hired the biggest, meanest guy in town, Hugh, to rough up the monks and send hem a message. Right after that the monks immediately packed up and relocated and all was right with the world. The moral of the story? Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Sign of the times...
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
Supermarket Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him."Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
my mom locked me in a closet a...
my mom locked me in a closet and said I couldn't come out until I made a pun. I said, "O-pun the door." Then I said all of these:A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Question time
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
How do you expect to get into heaven?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"
Farm Jokes 07
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In a hog cabin!
What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse!
Why do pigs never recover from illness?
Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog!
What do you call sheep that live together?
Pen friends!
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg!
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense!
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What's a cows favorite vegetable?
A cowat!
