Mother jokes (631 to 645)

Heaven and Hell

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

 Steven Wright 10

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

Standing at the edge of the la

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

A fifteen year-old boy came ho

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began toscream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I boughtit today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like thatfor fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--theyjust moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted tobuy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what shewill do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady livedand found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introducedhimself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteendollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. Ithought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaiiwith his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

The new baby

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Cast Out of Eden

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

 Farm Jokes 07

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?

In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?

A clotheshorse!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?

Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?

Pen friends!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?

An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?

Udder nonsense!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

Use a cowculator!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

What's a cows favorite vegetable?

A cowat!

A local United Way office real...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Punished

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

 Mom Would Never Say

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
   

Morning Wood

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally

walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's

washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever

hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,

start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so

I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is

that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go

into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,

take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still

manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his

left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya

those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no

longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am

required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this

is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the

toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked

toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot

to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,

but because you and I have become such good friends and you

think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you

because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be

understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous

desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds

with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that

thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,

if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the

wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women

insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat

covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So

that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat

and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that

perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the

guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get

the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You

jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat

stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that

compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning

that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack

off your

weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's

just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning

situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do

all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the

toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,

and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath

towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you

are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the

toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from

the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top

of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it

runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching

fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of

the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this

morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman

position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal

of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but

it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl

during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally

to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and

bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just

get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a

problem!!!

Little Jenny walked into the k...

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"
Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

Tom is almost 29 years old, hi

Tom is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Tom just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Tom replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Tom and his friend get together. "So Tom. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"