Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (256 to 270)

A police officer in a small...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”“But, sir, I just wanted to say—““I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”From "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

What's the trick?

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Speeding ticket or....

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

 I Get No Respect 02

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

 Wrong Place Wrong Time

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.

A Publicist for Moses

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

History began some 12,000 year

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 yearsago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadichunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summerand would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into twodistinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was thebeginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wasinvented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to thebrewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doingthe sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatConservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals aresymbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foocoffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. Theyeat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and Frenchfood are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and stillprovide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeocowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes andgenerally anyone who works productively outside government.Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" theproducers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believeEuropeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of theLiberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that aLiberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the aboveinstead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Pickup truck full of penguins...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

Button Up

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocked from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that shoed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Most wanted...

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Three old timers were relating

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.
The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.
The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.
When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

A police officer arrives at an

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building...
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings."

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”