Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (646 to 660)

Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?

Car crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Too materialistic

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined, no matter how the body shop might try to fix it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?", asked the lawyer.

The cop replied: "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Really funny jokes-Two sides to a movie

Holidays around the precinct a...

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"
"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."

Really funny jokes-Small take

He Might Know You

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"

The man replied "Chicago"

The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."

The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."

The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

Lost

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.”

The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”

The drunk replied, “Damn, I lost my wife too!”

Really funny jokes-illegal to count

Wrong clothes

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren't you Mike Murphy?”

Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren't you a police officer?”

And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

Deadly Curfew

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off

the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot

at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior

officer.

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have

made it."

A cop pulls a young guy over: ...

A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!

A cop pulls a young guy over:<...

A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!

Wishful thinking...

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"