Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (1141 to 1155)

An engineer, a physicist, and ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, 'How much is two plus two?' Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, 'Four.'

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, 'How much is two plus two?' The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, 'How much do you want it to be?'

The Blonde Police Of

Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?"

The blonde says, "He only has one eye!".

The man says "No, no, it's a side view."

Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!".

The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!".

So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!"

The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!

The man says, "How did you know that?"

. The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"

.

A group of soldiers who had ju...

A group of soldiers who had just joined the Army were in their new barracks when the duty officer came in to see them.

English lovers

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,

'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,

'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,

'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'

The police chief smiled and said;

'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.'

'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'

To which Pierre replied,

'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.'

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,

'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this Pierre shouted,

'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,

'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'

This truck driver hauling a tr...

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds not allowed. Enter at your own risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes speeding up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Rookie's First Assignment...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the verteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

An elderly couple was driving ...

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

True Stupid Stories 02

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

Scary Collection 22

A skeleton joke

What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?

I love every bone in your body!


A werewolf joke

Why did the small werewolf bite the womans ankle?

Because he couldn't reach any higher!


A werewolf joke

What happened when the werewolf chewed a bone for an hour?

When he got up he only had three legs!


A witch joke

What did one witch say to another when they left the cinema?

Do you want to walk home or shall we take the broom!


A witch joke

What makes more noise than an angry witch?

Two angry witches!


A skeleton joke

Why don't skeletons play music in church?

They have no organs!


A skeleton joke

Why wasn't the naughty skeleton afraid of the police?

Because he knew they couldn't pin anything on him!

An old man lived alone in New ...

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...

"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son...

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"

A man is struck by a bus on a ...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

A police officer pulls o...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 120 kilometres per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100 kilometres, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking."

Louvre Me Alone

A guy in Paris steals several paintings from the Louvre Museum. But after he gets them out past security, his van runs out of gas two blocks away from the museum and he gets caught. The police ask how he could mastermind such a complex crime and then make such a moronic error. The thief replies, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."

Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.