Sport jokes (1591 to 1605)

New Office Supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

School absences....

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Confucius Proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Kyle Grooms: Black Family Skiing

My mother... would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s -- brothers werent skiing, man. People didnt know what we were coming down the mountain. Theyd be looking up, confused, Oh my God, are those bears? I think I see bears skiing down the mountain! Huh, theyre African Americans trying something new. Whats next -- golf?

Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Clocks in heaven....

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Guy comes into the clubhouse a...

Guy comes into the clubhouse and a fellow golfer asks him, "How did you shoot?"

The guy replies, "The best two balls I hit all day were on the 8th hole when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!"

Still in the crate

A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.

The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"

The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.

The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."

The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."

Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."

The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"

Tony Rock: Difference in the Clothes

White people cant tell the difference between hard, honest working black people and criminal black people, because we all basically dress the same. We all basically wear jeans, boots, sometimes an occasional baseball hat -- yall cant tell. But see, black people, we can just look at what a white persons wearing and tell this guys messed up -- get away from this guy -- because all the bad white people wear the same exact thing: police uniforms.

Starting At 8:05

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

Twins

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

The Vote for Heaven or Hell

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Hole in One

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Bill was 26 over par by the ei...

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."