Sport jokes (136 to 150)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 136 to 150. |
It's Saturday morning and Bob
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on his round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home."Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's Just laying there crying"
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just laying there not moving."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
The Terrible Golfer
Once a terrible golfer hit a ball onto an ant hill. He went over the ant hill to hit the ball. No matter how hard he tried, all the golfer managed to do was to hit the ant hill and kill many ants.
At last, only two ants remained. One turned to the other and said, “If we want to stay alive, we’d better get on the ball!”
Urinating in the pool
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool."Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"
A teenage boy and his grandfat
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
22 Latest Christmas cracker jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost
Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!
Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells
Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!
Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!
Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!
Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!
Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!
Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!
Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!
Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!
Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!
Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!
Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.
Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.
My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!
Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!
Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!
Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.
Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.
Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.
17 new Thanksgiving jokes for 2020
Q: What happens when cranberries get sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: Why was the soup at Thanksgiving so pricey?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What kind of 'tude is appropriate at the family dinner?
A: Gratitude.
Q: Why was the turkey put in jail?
A: The police suspected fowl play.
Q: What's Frankenstein's favorite Thanksgiving dish?
A: Monster mash potatoes and grave-y.
Q: Why did Mom's turkey seasoning taste a little off last year?
A: She ran out of thyme.
Q: What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner?
A: A (har)vest.
Q: What can you call your brother who falls asleep after dinner?
A: Your napkin.
Q: What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes?
A: You're on a roll.
Q: What's a running turkey called?
A: Fast food.
Q: Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?
A: Your close group of Palgrims.
Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?
A: He was ready for a roast.
Q:On Thanksgiving, what does Dad have in common with an exhausted baseball player?
A: They're both likely to fall asleep between plates.
Q: What's one thing that you'll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
A: You'll both be filled with stuffing.
Q:How can you unlock the greatest Thanksgiving experience ever?
A: By making sure to bring the tur-key.
Q: With Coronavirus being a possible concern this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish?
A: Masked potatoes.
Q: Why were the beans accused of being jealous of the other side dishes?
A: They were so green.
It was George the Mailman's l
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
18 new Halloween jokes from 2020
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!
Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!
Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.
Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!
Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.
Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.
Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
A redneck was stopped by a gam
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.r>The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
r>" Naw, sir" , replied the redneck." I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
r>"Pet fish?"
r>" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."
r>" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
r>The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
r>" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"
r>The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
r>After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"
r>" Well, what?" , says the redneck.
r>The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"
r>" Call who back?"
r>"The FISH" , replied the warden!
r>" What fish?" , replied the redneck.
r>Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
r>
This couple just got married a
This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.
Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days."
The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing."
