Wedding jokes (451 to 465)Jokes about weddings. These are the jokes listed 451 to 465. |
How the Grinch Stole Marriage<...
How the Grinch Stole Marriage(with apologies to Dr. Seuss.)
Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.
"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!
"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"
"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.
Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.
Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."
It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."
And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!
And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!
The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."
The Moral of the Story...
The moral of this story is that we don't need a piece of paper and the approval of the state to get married. We can just get married. Instead of having a committment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it a Marriage.
Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call it. It's a free country and we can call ourselves what we like. In 5 or 10 or 20 years, with plenty of visible same-sex married couples, the world won't see us as strange or scary, we're just the married couple down the street that happens to be gay. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will follow.
If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus, we'll never make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to make a difference. We must as well.
Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton.
Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution.
This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
Family of the Groom
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
Good evening, ladies, Sherlock...
Good evening, ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench."Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. the nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
The prostitute, he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed, "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
Marriage quotes 08
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Match Made in Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Very Hostile Farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Celebrating An Event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
A first-grade teacher was havi...
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Little Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Little Johnny was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Little Johnny: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Little Johnny: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
"The Massachusetts court ...
"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."-- Tina Fey
Best friends???
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
Greeting cards you will not see at Hallmark...
'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............What was I thinking?'
'Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.'
'How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?'
'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.'
'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you.'
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.'
'As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...'
'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!'
'Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.'
'Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.'
'You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!'
'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'
'I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.'
'We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?'
'I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.'
'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?'
'You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) ar...
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers " Yes".
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob; "How about Viagra"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."
A broom wedding...
Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after they got to know each other a bit, decided to get married.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely and attended by all the push brooms and dust mops.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and whispered to the groom broom, "We're soon going to have a little whisk broom!"
"Impossible!" said the groom broom, indignantly. "We haven't even swept together yet!!!"
