Wedding jokes (481 to 495)Jokes about weddings. These are the jokes listed 481 to 495. |
One shot pony
An...
One shot pony
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling, "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver".
"Exactly." says the doctor.
How many children...
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
A fresh-faced lad on the...
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mum, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Family of the Groom
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
A young couple, just married w...
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, Here, put these on. She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body."I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps
"Hell," he said, "I can' get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your damn attitude changes!"
on their 50th wedding annivers...
on their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
The secret of my success...
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
The top ten reasons nipple rin...
The top ten reasons nipple rings for women are a GOOD idea:#10. They gain a new appreciation and a "much" higher threshold for pain.
#9. Give them more than just their purse to keep from losing their car keys.
#8. A little body english and a short copper wire; they pick up pay-per-view for free.
#7. They can now jump car batteries without those hard to roll up cables"
#6. A cheap spin table and spot light let's them earn extra cash renting out to Club parties"
#5. They'll no longer have to worry about those nasty stretch marks being the focus of everyone's attention at the nude beach.
#4. They'll always have a ready replacement when they lose their wedding ring.
#3. They can sleep comfortably knowing every elf in the universe is now their loyal friend for life.
#2. Hanging "ten" is childÂ’s play. Hanging "by two"??? Now thatÂ’s impressive.
#1. Hard vibrators are now "way more" than a girl's best friend...
A lawyer married a woman...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What, said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "Well, You're a lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
Good enuf
Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How's yer new bride?Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren't good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain't good enuf fer ours!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A newly married couple returne...
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked."Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Good evening, ladies, Sherlock...
Good evening, ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench."Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. the nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
The prostitute, he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed, "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
Assorted 1
What's the difference between a man and a condom?Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.
What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
