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Country Party

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.
"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "
"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.
"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"
"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"
"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

Donkeys at Christmas

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings.

“To make sure cargo t...

“To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.”

“How do construction ...

“How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.”

What is a girl supposed to do?

Matt Braunger: Drunk Batman

Mom would never say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

God made us both...

"Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man replied.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"

What did the spider email to t...

Decoding the speeches of Bill Clinton

All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America's economic health.

Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating.

Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise.

Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning, "contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world.

Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct).

Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president.

First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president"

Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.

Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution.

Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect.

Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts.

We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we.

Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.

Middle-aged Barbie

The Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 52 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

"Paris Hilton and Nicole ...

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