The best jokes (16216 to 16230)

D.L. Hughley: Police Following You

You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.

When Arnold says "I'll be back...

When Arnold says "I'll be back" in the Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Lavell Crawford: Get to Heaven

If I get to Heaven and God is white, Id be like, I knew it all along. Show me to the hood. But if I get to Heaven and God is black, thats going to piss me off a little bit. Id be like, Aint this a bitch? Youve been black all along? Aint you been seeing what the hells going on down there?

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

We want to strike Acco...

We want to strike Accord with anyone who's ever crashed their Honda.

Danny Bhoy: Bank in Debt

How can a bank be in debt? Does no one address that? Youre a bank: youve got all the money and stuff. If youre in debt, send someone off to the main computer, tell them to go to debts, select all, delete. Thats it, thats all you need to do. Then were all in the clear, right?

911

The authorities in America conducted a survey to ascertain why they did not receive many emergency calls from blondes. After exhasted studies the answer is "They can find the nine but cannot find the eleven"

There are no weapons of mass d...

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to

the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,

but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took

him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the

unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time

there were two painters, but instead he asked for the

gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we

have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we

arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But

I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand

through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Black Jew

Q: What did Hitler say to the black Jew?

A: Get to the back of the oven.

Submitted by wavesk8er102

Edited by Curtis

Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

A Darkened Theater

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"

Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Business one-liners 47

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.