The best jokes (16231 to 16245)

Gabriel Iglesias: Landing in Phoenix

I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

Do the dishes

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'

A schoolteacher asked her prim...

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

Blonde math

Q. How do you teach a blonde math?

A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Turn Back Your Car Odometer

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Jonah Ray: Seeing Dan Aykroyd

You get to run into these random celebrities; theyre just walking around. And I remember, one time, I ran into Dan Aykroyd, and I was like, Oh my God, Dan Aykroyd! This is awesome! You know -- early Saturday Night Live days, Ghostbusters. And I got really excited, and I went up to him, but he got angry at me when I asked for his autograph. And I think its because I also asked him to sign it, The Old Dan Aykroyd.

An Englishman, a Sco

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Marriage quotes 07

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Why you shouldn'

A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself "what a deal" since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, "this is too good to be true!" and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn't even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.

"what did you do to my firebird!" shrieked the man.

"....Firebird?"

questioned the blonde.

"...and all this time I thought it was the porsche"

Daniel Tosh: Who Sinned First

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Prove your identity...

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.

The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS ...

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Deep Thoughts 07

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Real News Headlines 13

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.