The best jokes (16756 to 16770)

Darling! What is...

Darling! What is the weather outside?

Mommy, my turtle is dead...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
"Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

Q: How did the blonde fisherma...

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

I joke around way too much

I can't be friends with sensitive ass people. I joke around way too much.

 Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.

OMG, i haven't seen my friends since

OMG, i haven't seen my friends since last year.

Drugs for Males

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA

a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA

Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA

Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA

In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA

Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA

Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA

This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA

This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be double for long car rides.

FLYAGRA

This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA

About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA

This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

What's your name?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

“The race car driver

“The race car driver had a checkered past.”

Balloon Prank Fake Out

April Fool's Day is coming up, so you need to be prepared with an arsenal of hilarious pranks that you can play on friends, family members and bitter enemies.

I believe I'm a woman

MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe I'm a woman."

PSYCHIATRIST "Why do you think that?"

MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."

“Washing dishes can b

“Washing dishes can be very draining.”

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

 You Might Be A Redneck If 32

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.”The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window.It said: AVE MARIAFrom "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.