The best jokes (17401 to 17415)

Codebreakers

“Every day, the feuding codebreakers had cryptic cross words.”

Juvenile delinquent

“A juvenile delinquent is an example of an arrested youth.”

When the saviour of Nottingham

When the saviour of Nottingham Forest got an honourary degree from Oxford, he had to wear a robe and hood.

 Had Any Accidents?

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

A lynch mob formed after the c

A lynch mob formed after the cat killed a mouse. They decided to round up a pussy.

NED: I was arrested for commit

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn't do it on porpoise?

“Morsel is the aim of

“Morsel is the aim of the marketing department.”

Salvador painted a psychedelic

Salvador painted a psychedelic image of an alpaca, decked out in religious garb. He proclaimed, ‘Everyone must worship the Dali llama!'

The bas

The baseball player's swing was so good, some said it defied the Laws of Physics. The critics, however, claimed his bat was quarked.

How do you inspire a man who l

How do you inspire a man who loves sheep?

Keep this philosophy in mind t

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeata rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widelylauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosophercame upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedlyand said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tellme, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's calledthe Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take amoment to test what you're going to say. The firsttest is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that whatyou are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really knowif it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell meabout my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell mesomething bad about him even though you're not certainit's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.Socrates continued, "You may still pass though becausethere is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what youwant to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tellme is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tellit to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopherand held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out thatPlato was banging his wife.

Dad Bod

I don’t have a “dad bod”...
I have a father figure.

Studying quantum physics is so

Studying quantum physics is so mysterious the physicists are like a religious brotherhood; in fact they must take a vow of science.

Can you help me find a Chinese

Can you help me find a Chinese milkman? I'm in a bit of a Quan dairy.

I dreamed I was an amputee. I

I dreamed I was an amputee. I don't know how those no shins got in my head.