The best jokes (17821 to 17835)

where

Where in the hell do you get your jokes? The internet?!?

The Inspired Sermon

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”
The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”
“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Gay porn is now recyclable. Gay porn is now recyclable. Waste not wanton nuts.

#joke #short

What if...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Clinton died and was standing ...

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

The best answer to the questio...

The best answer to the question asked in an interview...

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . .

"In the mirror as always . . "

Glen, why do you always get so...

Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. He replied

Good To Be Chemist

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST
- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses
.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?"
- Because it's pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Corey Holcomb: Break-Up House

I guarantee, youre gonna have to get out of your house. I know its your house and you bought it, but what you dont realize is thats her house, and shes basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

"Dad, where did I come from?" ...

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.

The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that.

He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.

When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted him to ask the question, to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street, and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

The key to the success of all ...

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

Hilarious jokes-Funny conversation in court

One line jokes-Miracle drug

Liza: Do you believe in a miracle drug?
Donna : Sure I do. If it is now available at the same price as last year.

Ol' Fred had been a faithful C...

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"

toilet paper

Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.

Whats dumber than that? reading them.

Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.