The best jokes (17836 to 17850)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 17836 to 17850. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
3 dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
Canadian geese are known to fl...
Canadian geese are known to fly in a "V" shaped as they migrate across the county. The lead goose in the "V" cuts through the air making it easier for the rest of the geese behind him. As that lead goose becomes tired, he will drop off and join one of the sides and a new lead goose will take over. This is done several times as they are flying long distances. So if you look up in the sky and see a "V" shape of geese and one side is longer than the other, do you know what that means?A:(There are more geese on that side)
Lightbulb Joke Collection 42
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they can't make it in to work today.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Old Lady Visits A Museum
An old lady is visiting a museum and knocks over a large vase which smases on the ground. An attendant rushes over, aghast."That vase," the attendant cries, "was over five hundred years old!"
"Oh, thank God!" says the old lady. "I thought it was a new one."
Elevator jobs
Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.
Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."
"Why??" the friend asked.
Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."
Hilarious jokes-The violent intruder
But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"
"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."
The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.
Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"
An Antartican suddenly realize...
An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1.The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"
The Antartican replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"
The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"
The Antartican says, "Duh, big red truck!"
Only in America
Only in A...
Only in AmericaOnly in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
No worries...
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Holding It In
Q: What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A: A private tooter.
