The best jokes (17881 to 17895)

Scientology on Demand: aka

Scientology on Demand: aka Dianetflix. It's a streaming of consciousness.

 Muslim Jew

what do you call a Muslim and jew couple?A terrorist in the bank

Trump chose a leaky bottle of...

Trump chose a leaky bottle of vinegar for his cabinet. The press wrote ,”Meet the new Secretory Acetate“.

The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times

Dear Member,We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.Deborah: One word—female.David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor’s wife.Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems. Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure. Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.John: Says he’s a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.Timothy: Too young.Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!

The worst way to be crucified?

The worst way to be crucified? Die agonyly.

I'm inspired by Spring w

I'm inspired by Spring weather. It can be quite thaw-provoking.

 Good To Be French

Top reasons why it's great to be French

1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
   
2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
   
3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
   
4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
   
5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
   
6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
   
7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
   
8. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
   

My son loves his bottle. The <

My son loves his bottle. The big glug.

Is Thomas the Tank Engine r

Is Thomas the Tank Engine trainsgendered?

I need some advice on what cou

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a taxi why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. It was while I was crouched behind my car that I noticed rust on my exhaust tip.Should I take it to the dealer for replacement, or should I just take the opportunity to buy the aftermarket 3" I've been looking at. Its a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. Maybe I'll just try to buff it out.
Help me out.

The farmer and his wife had wo

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Somebody, please, tell me who

Somebody, please, tell me who Tony Miceli’s daughter is? I want Samanthas to my question.

“Leaving myself out o

“Leaving myself out of my own photo was selfie-facing.”

 Answering Machine Message 20

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

“I couldn't see a go

“I couldn't see a good cow pun if it was steering me in the face.”