The best jokes (1816 to 1830)

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" 

I've noticed the strangest th...

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.

Windows frozen, won't open.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

There were these twin sisters...

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over thereand take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

It was a baby mosquito's firs...

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

Amish carriage....

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

You Want Me to Stay?

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.'
He turned around and said, 'So, you want me to stay?'

 

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

Why Isn't the Line Moving? – From the Blonde Files

At a store, a Blonde lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items.
Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all.
She shouted at the cashier, 'Is this line going to take all day long?'
The cashier replied, 'Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.'

Boarding From What Gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde...

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promisedtheir Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman allhis life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the twoblondes kept their promise. They set off fromClearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up ina burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're outfar enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideandfinding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, notyet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... AgainBubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out farenough now? Once again Barbie slips over the sideand almost immediately says, 'No, this will neverdo, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbieslips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit oftime goes by and poor Bubbles is really gettingworried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfacegasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

At one point during a game, th...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-oldhockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand whatcooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win orlose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when apenalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, orcall him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so thatanother boy gets a chance to play,it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain allthat to your mother."