The best jokes (1831 to 1845)

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

At one point during a game, th...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-oldhockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand whatcooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win orlose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when apenalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, orcall him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so thatanother boy gets a chance to play,it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain allthat to your mother."

The Supportive Younger Brother

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word... "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

A woman walks into a Ferrari d

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
"Good day Madam, how may I help you?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say. If you farted just touching it, you're going to crap yourself when you hear the price."

The Comforting Mother

Daughter: " I don't like the boy you found for me... his teeth are not in order and he looks ugly when he smiles."
Mother: "Don't worry about that. He will not be smiling after he marries you."

Worth Of A Gas Cap

A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."

Pete died

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. Apologizing that she only had two dollars, she wrote this obituary: "Pete died."

"I remember ol' Pete, and he deserves more than two words," said the newsman. "I'll give you three more for free."

The widow thanked him and wrote, "Pete died. Boat for sale."

Joke found on http://www.copresco.com/, published on January 1999

Pancakes for the dogs

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

me: They’re for the dogs

wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

me: They don’t know how

Author: Josh

A tourist was admiring the nec

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Why do you want a divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

It's About My Height

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

In a supermarket Ivan lost sig

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere."

Guess What

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

You Can Stay

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.