The best jokes (1846 to 1860)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1846 to 1860. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Some Corner of the Earth
I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth...
But unfortunately, the earth is round.
Have It Made
People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Helmets, Pads, and Gloves
My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"
I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"
What Is Wrong
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
No Life Insurance for Grandpa
"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
"So you can all be really sad when I die."
An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves
. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter.
"The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in, too.
"But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
Job interview
On a job interview, the manager handed me his laptop and said, "Sell this to me."
So, I took it, left the office, and headed back to my place.
Eventually, he phoned me and demanded, "Return my laptop immediately!"
I said, "$300, and it's yours!"
Few new short jokes for Friday
I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?
My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…
I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.
I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.
Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.
When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.
I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.
Have a god Friday with short new jokes
I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread...
The birds were all over me.
I was at the doctors yesterday, and he said, "I'm afraid your results don't look too good."
"Why is that doctor?" I asked.
He said, "My printer has run out of ink!"
Did you hear about the constipated accountant...?
He couldn't budget..
So he worked it out with a pencil.
How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.
A Mobius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The strip replies, "Where do I even begin?"
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!
At The Supermarket
On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
Ineffective Pain Pills
"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."
No Tobacco Day jokes
The annual World No Tobacco Day campaign (31 May) is an opportunity to raise awareness on the harmful and deadly effects of tobacco use. Raise awareness with these jokes.
The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
Why don't vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is stunned and asks,
"Is your dad home?"
The kid replies,
"What do you think?"
"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"
I want to open a Christian tobacco store.
I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.
Smoking cigarettes helps the environment...
...because it kills humans.
What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break .
