The best jokes (18271 to 18285)

Two private detectives were do...

Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband's request they staked out the wife's bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside. The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style.
After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, "As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?"
To this the other replied, "Great idea! Who first?"

When I got home from work E.T.

When I got home from work E.T. was sitting on my roof. I called around for an answer — my lawyer found that someone had put alien on my property.

Call me a pervert, but I once

Call me a pervert, but I once enjoyed watching a chickpea. Does that make me hummus sexual?

Bagels

Q: How does a bagel protect itself?

A: It puts on locks.

Anyone who eats fish and chips

Anyone who eats fish and chips every day is a creature of halibut.

A doctor just finishes his che

A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I've got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry.
Patient: (starts crying)
Dr: Now, now... I know you're upset... but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news... what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big breasts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes...
Dr: You know the one that's always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes - what about her?
Dr: I finally had sex with her last night.

“When a fellow in Ven

“When a fellow in Venice was planning a party, he asked his wife if they should invite Othello. She said, 'Sure, the Moor the merrier.'”

“There used to be lit

“There used to be little snow patches outside my house after a snowstorm. Whenever the sun came out, they had a melt down.”

When are amphibians cutest? Wh

When are amphibians cutest? When they're toaddlers. They're cute right from the gecko.

“A funny criminal is

“A funny criminal is a silicon.”

A newly-married couple came ho...

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

The big shot CEO was in the wa

The big shot CEO was in the waiting room of the maternity ward of the hospital. Unlike the other fathers who paced the floor nervously, he sat poring over papers and checking his laptop computer constantly. After several hours, the nurse interrrupted his work. "It's a boy, sir!" she said.
"Well," snapped the CEO, without looking up, "find out what he wants."

 Answering Machine Message 229

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

“I have a bad, bad pa

“I have a bad, bad pain in my toe, no gout about it.”

“Are you a sleepy ske

“Are you a sleepy skeleton? Because you look bone tired.”