The best jokes (2131 to 2145)

Excused Absence

Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"

"You seem to have more than th

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

School Teacher in Court

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

A new receptionist started wor

A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist's office, but at the end of her first day he felt he had to have a quietword with her.
"Your general approach is fine," he said, "but try saying 'We're very busy' rather than 'It's a madhouse.'"

Stick To The Plan

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

 Discussing Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

A guy walks into a post office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

Diet Plans

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that...
After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

 Have A Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

Marriage problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

It was election time and the p

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to thelocal reservation and try to get the Native American vote.They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd wasgetting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but wasencouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for NativeAmericans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, andsaw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closerto take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."

The Competition

Wikipedia: “I know everything.”
Google: “I have everything.”
Facebook: “I know everybody.”
Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.”
Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”

There was a lawyer and he was

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was: "The drugs are wearing off!"

“The decision to lega

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

A woman goes into a butcher's...

A woman goes into a butcher's...
"I'd like an oxtail please".
"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once upon a time there was an ox..."