The best jokes (2146 to 2160)

 Discussing Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

A guy walks into a post office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

Diet Plans

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that...
After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

 Have A Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

Marriage problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

It was election time and the p

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to thelocal reservation and try to get the Native American vote.They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd wasgetting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but wasencouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for NativeAmericans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, andsaw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closerto take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."

The Competition

Wikipedia: “I know everything.”
Google: “I have everything.”
Facebook: “I know everybody.”
Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.”
Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”

Red crayons

You might wonder why blonde nurses bring red crayons to work.

It's in case they have to draw blood.

A comment from reddit user - Ethyques:

Any crayon would work if it's sharp enough. Otherwise it would be pointless.

There was a lawyer and he was

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was: "The drugs are wearing off!"

“The decision to lega

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

A woman goes into a butcher's...

A woman goes into a butcher's...
"I'd like an oxtail please".
"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once upon a time there was an ox..."

Little Jimmy sees his Daddy's

Little Jimmy sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Jimmy finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother.
Mommy "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Jimmy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Jimmy to tell his story.
Jimmy starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and Jimmy said, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane... started doing that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Third Time the Charm

My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding.
He said, “I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!”

Two bats

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

What Letter?

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."