The best jokes (2161 to 2175)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 2161 to 2175. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
In Kent a business man was con
In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
Tim decided to tie the knot wi
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Australia's Biggest Export
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
A Doctors Lecture
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Postal Mail
I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returnedSince Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”-Bring What You Can Carry
Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here." Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed.
"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly.
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
On Your Marks
Two n*dists were discussing politics.
One says, “Have you read Marx?”
The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs."
The Skydiving Instructor
I went skydiving today for the first time.
This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.
As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?"
Unplug the Machine
I now know how it will end for me...
One of my kid's will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Help Me Please
I think I may need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.
