The best jokes (2176 to 2190)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 2176 to 2190. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A kindergarten student was hav...
A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...."
White hairs
One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
TEACHER: Why are you late, Fra...
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Did you hear about the stupid ...
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?He fell in the sink!
Can I take his place?
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
A Polish immigrant went to the...
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
But officer...
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Golf Story
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
A tough looking group of hairy...
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…" The Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
The European Union commissione....
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Two elderly women were out dri...
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
On a plane bound for New York...
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
