The best jokes (2461 to 2475)

Always fight fire with fire

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade

Harry Hill (October 1 1964-)

Picture: REX

HAPPY international JOKES day!

How do you make sure you always remember your wife’s birthday?
- Forget it once.

A gentleman was lured into a b

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

After retiring, I went to the

After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'

Crazy people don't know they are crazy

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.

 Giving Sad News To A Troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

A new manager spends a week at...

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

Slap the idiot

Does anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats “Slap the idiot, Slap the idiot!” No? Just me? hmm… Odd!

I wasn't originally...

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”

Definition: ASKHOLE

- A Person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

One day a fisherman was lying...

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

 Millionnaire

A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."

A 57-year-old woman was arrest

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went beforethe judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can ofpeaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she washungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman'shusband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A Little Quarrel

A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.

"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.

The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"

My door was ajar, so...

“My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.”