The best jokes (2506 to 2520)

 Your Kid Has Been Kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Can you imagine working for a

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the followingstatistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
* 1 one ran a stop sign and killed a man on a motorcycle
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots elected by us that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Into the Olympics...

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."

A traveling salesman was about

A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

 What Should They Say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

There were some backwoods hill

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

During a simulated attack, the

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. "You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!"
The recruit takes ten steps to one side.
"What are you doing, man?" Yells the sergeant, purple with fury.
"I'm taking shelter behind an imaginary hill, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.

A golfer was sitting in the cl

A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend went over and asked what was wrong.
The golfer said, "It was terrible. On the 16th hole I sliced one out onto the freeway and it went through the windshield of a bus, and there was a horrible accident. The bus went out of control and hit a car head-on. There were dead people all over the place."
His friend said, "That's awful. What did you do?"
"Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little."

The Wedding Ring

Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted to be inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put?
Mother: Put what I put on your father's wedding ring.
Daughter: What does it say. I've never seen daddy with it off.
Mother: Yes. It's worked very well over the years. It says, 'Put it back on!'

2 Men in 1 Night

My sister was with two men in one night.
She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine? Two dinners!

An Imam's Sad Announcement

An imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from and moving to a drier climate. Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The imam who takes my place might be even better than me.""Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that's what the last imam said, too."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee

The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 Angering The Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Ponderings Collection 24

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

Punishment for Missing Church

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."