The best jokes (2971 to 2985)

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

Adam's ribs

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

I'm the greatest hitter in the world...

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

There was an elderly widow who...

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

The Unacceptable Tax Return

This example shows the importance of accuracy when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, 'List your dependents”, you wrote: '12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.' The IRS responded that “this is unacceptable!”

The man's response to the IRS was: 'Who did I leave out?'

A pastor goes to the dentist f...

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

A monkey is sitting in a tree

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walkspast and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have afew tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's goingto get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle tothe river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and fallsinto the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him tothe side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a treeand smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fellinto the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walksoff into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey isstill sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"

Stop Drinking

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

Honey Pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

After 20 years of marriage a h

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Staring at the orange juice

In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.
The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave."
"No," the blonde replies.
"Why not?" questions the waiter.
"The carton says 'concentrate'".

2 Government Mechanical Engineers...

Bill and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said Bob, 'But we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?' he said.
'We need the height and she gave us the length!'
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.

Relatives of yours?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

One Sunday, in counting the mo

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastorof a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. Ithappened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched asthe offering was collected and saw a little old lady put thedistinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and Igive some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he dofor a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does hepractice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in LasVegas and one in Reno."

A Smart Response

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.