The best jokes (3061 to 3075)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 3061 to 3075. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
There is a knock on the pearly...
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”
The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
The answer....
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Home yet?
A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
There were three little boys v...
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"
A taxi passenger taps the driv
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."Heads or tails
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Good answer!
Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Jeff beckoned to a salesman in...
Jeff beckoned to a salesman in the department store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin that Eunice was admiring, and asked, "Excuse me young lady, how much is this dress?" "That dress is £899.95, Sir," sneered the rather snotty saleswoman.
"£899.95? For £99.95 I could get the same dress at the Bargain store downtown!"
"But sir," said the saleswoman, "You'll find that the dress downtown is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."
Jeff says, "So? For £800 I should care what the lambs do at night?"
Grasshopper
A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"
And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"
How many people yelled into this door?
How many people yelled into this door? (April Fools' Day pranks) Difference between a good girl and a bad girl
The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with. A Sunday school teacher asked...
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 
