The best jokes (3046 to 3060)

A little girl was talking to h...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Home is where your...

Home is where your WI-FI connects automatically.

A man boarded a train and said...

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper.
Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor

Grasshopper

A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

There is more money being spen...

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShirleyGoodness

Difference between a good girl and a bad girl

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with.

New scientific study

Q: Have you heard about the new scientific study which discovered that a certain type of food decreases a woman's sex drive?

A: It's called wedding cake.

Smith was sitting down to brea

Smith was sitting down to breakfast, when he saw his own name in the obituary column. He immediately called his friend Jones.
"Hey, did you see my name in the obituaries?"
"Yes, I did. Um....where are you calling from?"

Viagra...

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Are Caterpillars Good To Eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

There is this taxi driver in N...

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Trouble hearing....

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At...

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

A wife was having trouble with...

A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"