The best jokes (3466 to 3480)

Boy Scouts

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

A teacher is teaching a class...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

The Old Lawyer

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

What do you mean he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82" replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check" said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

A blonde's car gets a flat ti...

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

New Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

Q: What's the definition of mi...

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

An old guy in his Volvo is dri...

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Working in The Garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

Aussie bank robbers

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, 'Australia's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.'

Pearly Gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

John's teacher sent a note hom...

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father ! "