The best jokes (3616 to 3630)

I Sat On My Phone

I accidentally sat on my phone...
Siri suggested several local gyms.

The Mayor and the Contractor

The mayor of a Jewish village decided to create an additional room in their home.His wife spoke to the general contractor for some time. They laughed and enjoyed what seemed like a long conversation. Her husband asked what they were talking about. The woman introduced the two men and the general contractor returned to his work. The husband asked, "Did you know each other?" The wife replied, "Yes, actually. We were engaged to be married when I was very young."Her husband smiled and said. "Wow, I guess you should be happy you married me. I'm the mayor. If you had married him, you would have been married to a general contractor." "No" she replied. "He would have been the mayor."-

Round About

My wife and I were stuck in traffic.
Frustrated, I looked at her and said: “I’m turning round.”
She replied: “I know - stop eating so many burgers.”

Definitely A Wrong Number

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?"
"This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?"
After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?"
"Yes, I did."
"Then you're definitely not my son!"

Witness Required

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

Quitting Social Media

Quitting Social Media is the adult version of running away from home...
We all know you do it for attention and you'll be back soon.

Happy St Patrick's Day

"That guy was so happy that it's St Patrick's day, that he was literally bouncing off the walls!"
"Who was it?"
"Rick O'Shea."

Souped up car

My Russian mechanic souped up my car.
Now it drives like a Borscht!

Spoon Me

Yesterday the Police arrested me for unsolicited Spooning...
I wasn't charged, they just held me over night.
Which I loved, by the way.

Behold, I Come Quickly

The new preacher had just begun his sermon.
He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank.
After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point.

His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try."Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly."

Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely. "That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady.
"It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"

Pulling On A Chain

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.
The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"
The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

Justice jokes

17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes!

Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What’s the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

I got in line to watch Oppenhe

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.
So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

Short Jokes, Long Laughs

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

19 and 20 had a fight...
21...
19 was injured, 22.

A young boy asked his father if he could try coffee
The dad said “sure son! Have a sip.”
The boy took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yuck!” he said, “this tastes like dirt!”
“We’ll of course it does, son. It was ground this morning!”

I hate it when you're on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left. Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll… Anyway, I'm nearly at the Walmart now!