The best jokes (4501 to 4515)

Robbie's Little Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.
The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

That Was A Threat

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

One Too Many

In other news, the seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...
One of them isn’t Happy!

They Were Everywhere

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Pulled A Muscle

I pulled a muscle digging for gold...
No worries though, it's just a miner injury.

Eye Glass Confessions

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."

Work Rules Your Life

Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.
"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."
"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life... I just prefer work."

What men say and what it re

What men say and what it really means
"I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work." Really means: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're worrying too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie." Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists." Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you." Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit." Really means: "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means: "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Overloaded

Police officer: “Your truck is heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce, tops!”

Cheap Cell Phones

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over...
Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

The Cleaning Bill

Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk.

One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt.

He looks at his buddy and says "My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says "don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill.

The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home.

When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. "just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself". The man replies "No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says "Wait one minute theres $40 here!

The guy looks at her and says " Oh yea, he shit in my pants too!

Qualities of a woman

Top 5 qualities of a woman:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Twin Brother In Prison

My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

Level Headed

Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Jany. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”
Fuming with anger, Jany replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

Harry under stress

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy's urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis: Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
"How should I go about it?" asked Harry.
"OK," said the doctor, "I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day..."