The best jokes (4846 to 4860)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4846 to 4860. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A little boy walks up to the p...
A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"
The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."
Heaven and Hell
A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
Were in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friends shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think thats what really bugged me -- and the sign said, If animals could talk, we probably wouldnt eat them. Come on, were already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, If vegetables could talk, wed freak the f**k out.On News Year's Eve, a th...
On News Year's Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband ..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."
Real Smart
This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and – while the photographer developed the pictures – he took off with the cash register.Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself.
One day an employee came in to...
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
Which jedi didn't get en...
Which jedi didn't get enough sun? Wan kenobiThe drunken defendant appears ...
The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"
Ever seen anything like this before?
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
Words of Wisdom...
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
A woman who died found herself...
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
