The best jokes (5146 to 5160)

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're in my side."

Elaine went to visit the...

Elaine went to visit the much heralded local fortune-teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Elaine stared at the woman's haggard face, then at the single, flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Buying Your Ticket

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

"Everybody is talking abo...

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." -- Jay Leno

On the first day of Spring Tra...

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

An Orgasmic Problem

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

Water Buffalo

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

I saw the light!

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.

"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."

After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"

"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"

The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"

"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."

The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"

"Why?" she asks curiously.

"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.

"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"

Dennis Rodman

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.

They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".

She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Prison Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. Dear husband, you wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.
The prisoner writes back: Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Farmer Brown & his Pigs

Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. "Sure", says Farmer Jones.

Farmer Brown loads his twelve pigs into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"

"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."

The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so, once again, he takes them to the Jones' farm. The next morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"

Well, she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's blowing the horn."

The Good, The Bad & The ...

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Pilot: Have you ever flown in ...

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

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