The best jokes (571 to 585)

Crime of Silence

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes...
They did unspeakable things to him!

Getting John to Quit

John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir. The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning. John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member. Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director."So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir." John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get." The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing." "How many?" was John's response. Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints." "I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet."-

God's Other Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." "Howard?" replied the confused teacher. "You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

New Year's Resolution

This year I made my New Year's Resolution...
To finish everything I sta...

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

Old Watch

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.

I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"

My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

Dog playing piano

It is World Piano Day!

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog – he plays the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the man puts the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and then he plays some rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are amazed.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the man, "What was that all about?"
The man replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Computer Chess

A computer once beat me at chess...
But it was no match for me at kickboxing!

20 Best dad jokes of all time

The funniest dad jokes ever told.

This 20 are voted as The best Dad jokes ever told but you can find also more Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.

1. This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.

3. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.

4. I used to hate facial hair…
but then it grew on me.

5. Can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.

6. Wife said are you ever going stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe…

7. Ah, this takes me back when
putting the car into reverse.

8. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.

9. What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.

10. How do I look?
With your eyes.

11. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!

12. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

13. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

14. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey,
but I turned myself around.

15. I am terrified of lifts.
I'm going to take steps to avoid them.

16. What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.

17. I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.

18. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

19. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

20. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes

I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.

My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!

I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?

I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered

What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia

Valentine's Day Date

This may be surprising for many of my friends, but I happen to have a date for Valentine's Day...
It's February 14.

A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's...

A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's, but the dad is not interested, so he says, 'Only if you can spell the name of the restaurant.' The boy tries but fails.
The next day, he asks again, 'Can we go to Burger King?' But once more, his dad asks him to spell the name before they go, and boy tries again without success.
On the third day, the boy comes home eagerly from school and says, 'Dad, can we eat out tonight, please? Can we go to KFC?'"
(original joke told to me by my 10 year old son)

House of Representatives

After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."

I was leaving the office the other day when I found The CEO standing...

I was leaving the office the other day when I found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Listen, he said, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?

Sure, I said.

I turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent! He said as his paper disappeared into the machine. I just need one copy.