The best jokes (6181 to 6195)

Trump isn't a politician

Trump isn't a politician. He's appallitician.

A little old lady goes into th...

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

A fifteen year-old boy came ho...

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

A man and his wife were workin

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Are Blind Pilots Flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

This guy's walking down t...

This guy's walking down the road minding his own business when he hears a little voice say:

"excuse me"

He looks around and can't see anything until his eyes rest on a small frog.

"hello" says the frog, "pick me up."

So the guy picks up the frog.

"take me home" says the frog.

So the guy takes the frog home.

When they get in, the frog tells the guy to sit down. After the guy takes a seat, the frog explains that it is not really a frog at all but a beautiful princess. All the guy has to do is give the frog a kiss and it'll turn back.

"I'll think about it" says the guy.

"What's there to think about? Wouldn't you like a beautiful princess?" asks the frog.

The guy replies, "Oh yeah, a beautiful princess would be nice - but a talking frog, that's pretty damn cool as well!"

Bulk mail...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Doing the Rounds

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
'Well, husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband No 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
'Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order‚ he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband No 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband No 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product‚ he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband No 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband No 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband No 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him. 'But now that I've married you; I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful' , said the husband, but why?
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

Two confirmed bachelors sat ta...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was ...

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? "No."

The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

"No," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

Launderette reunion...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.

But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

An old man went into con...

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old ladies. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"