The best jokes (6211 to 6225)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 6211 to 6225. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Little Johnny's class were on ...
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."Officer to driver going the wr...
Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."
Fan story
"Hey there" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Chennai Super Kings fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Chennai Super Kings fans."
"But, I've been a good man", replies the Chennai Super Kings supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter, "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the CSK fan in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty bucks back, now f*ck off"
Purchasing A New Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Cool it with Beer
Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin's rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”
Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”
The good, the bad and the ugly...
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Not guilty?
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
The Preacher and the Frog Princess
An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.
The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
A man placed some flowers o...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Three Travelers
Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.“Aaah!” he said. “We're right over my homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah we're right over my homeland.” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the desert.”
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah, we're right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.
“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”
At last; a cause that I can really support!
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.The daughter answered, *'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'* Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, *'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
Sex is like money...
Sex is like money: When you've got it, you don't think of it;
when you haven't any, you think of nothing else.
A Sunday School teacher was te...
A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie?
Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"
From South Dakota
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The man says, "Yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"
The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "You're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.
Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, "You're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!"
The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, "You're from South Dakota!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from South Dakota?"
The old man replies, "By the wool on your zipper!"
