The best jokes (6361 to 6375)

A Hippie's Wife

What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.

Funny Facts

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Monkey has grown hair

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. she got worried and asked her mummy about the hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

Next morning at breakfast she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

Plane lunch choices

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

By reddit user OK_Compooper, posted on Oct. 08. 2019.

 Dead Father

**THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY****One night, when I was a little girl, I had a terrible nightmare that a crow came to me and told me that my aunt was going to drop dead the next day. I ran to my parent’s room and told my dad what happened. He calmed me down and told me it was OK. The next day, my mother received a call that my aunt had just dropped dead. That night, I had another dream that the crow came to me and told me that my father was going to die!!! I sprinted down the hall to my parent’s room and told my dad what had happened. He once again calmed me down and said it was going to be ok. But the next morning when he left for work, he was so distraught. The whole day, he thought that every step he took was his last. He came home that night and sat with my mother at the dinner table and said, "I had the most horrible day today." My mother then relied, "You think YOU had a bad day??? I had the Milkman drop dead on the porch!!!!!"

A helicopter was flying around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterdaywhen an electrical malfunction disabled all of theaircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot couldnot determine his position or course to steer to theairport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in thehelicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" inlarge letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to theaircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a buildingwindow. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map anddetermined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma)airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked thepilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helpeddetermine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be theMICROSOFT building because they gave me a technicallycorrect but completely useless reply.

An old man marries a young wom

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "Now THAT'S how you wave a towel, sonny!!!"

Playing Through

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.

Travel Agent Terms Travel Agent Terms
No extra fees – No extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise – Your car's paint will never be the same.
Nominal fee – Outrageous charge.
Standard – Sub-standard.
Deluxe – Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities – Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home – No Maid service.
Plush – Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes – In hurricane alley.
Light and airy – No air conditioning.
Picturesque – Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar – Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
Old world charm – Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
Tropical – Rainy.
Majestic setting – A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore – Nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway – Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms – Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own – At your own expense.
Minutes From ... – By Plane
Romantic – No Phone in room
Knowledgeable trip hosts – They've flown in an airplane before.

#joke #animal #bird #food #chocolate

A man had a ticket for the the

A man had a ticket for the theater butwhen he was seated by the usher,he found that he was just too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery playand I have to watch a mystery close up.Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row andthe man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill.
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him,then leans over and whispers . . . "The butler did it."

Same Patient

After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don't worry. We've seen worse. Last year we had a girl come in to get a blood test for her marriage license and we had to stick her six times in four places before we got anything."
"Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!"

Star Wars Characters

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

A farmer and his wife were lay

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Get A Job

Interviewer: Your asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.
Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing.

Photographic memory

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?