The best jokes (6466 to 6480)

How Cold Is It?

It's so cold in Alaska that:
... someone stabbed himself with an icicle and died of cold cuts!
... babies are brought by penguins, not by storks!

Loud Laughing

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii...
Or just a-low-ha?

During Self-Isolation

Dogs: "Oh My god, you're here all day and this is the best as I can love you, see you, be with you and follow you! I am so excited because you are the greatest and I love you being here so much!
Cats: "What are you still doing here?"

Neighborhood Watch Program

I joined our neighborhood watch program last night...
There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it 1 day a month.

Move Along Folks

A cop breaks up a fight by two invisible men.

As the crowd gathers, he shouts, "Move along, folks. There's nothing to see here!"

I told a few jokes in my showe

I told a few jokes in my shower. Nobody laughed. I said “Man, tough grout.”

The Stagecoach

Bill: I know a man who drove a stagecoach and it didn’t have any wheels.
Ted: What held it up?
Bill: Bandits.

Nude Running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."

An old retired sailor puts on

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

A beautiful, sexy, good-lookin

A beautiful, sexy, good-looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"
The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure. So what is it?"
"Your Eyes, idiot!"

The Meaning Of Life

I found the meaning of life.
It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

Game Plan

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me,...
So from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller!

The Last Quarter

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

The young fellow is about to m

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

The following list of phrases

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident..."
These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown..."
This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience..."
Once.
"In case after case..."
Twice.
"In a series of cases..."
Thrice.
"It is believed that..."
I think.
"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis..."
Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance
of these findings..."
A really wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required
before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"After additional study by my colleagues..."
They don't understand it either.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study..."
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field..."
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.