The best jokes (7756 to 7770)

Hope It's A Boy

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

A couple of young fellers were

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see your fishing license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir," replied the young feller,"But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

He decides that he just has to

He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist.
He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean.
After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla.
The man agrees and is led to the cage.
He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed; the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man.
After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla.
He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla.
He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend.
The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving.
He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.
The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean.
The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat.
He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat.
It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror.
He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla.
The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide.
He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man; he's ripping things up and tearing out doors.
Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off.
The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says... "Tag. You're it!"

“Photos used to sell

“Photos used to sell rice are usually grainy.”

In a dark and hazy room, peeri

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"

A lady goes in to see a psychi

A lady goes in to see a psychiatrist...
Lady: "Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
Doctor: "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
Lady: "How much for all night?"

I'm addicted to seaweed.

I'm addicted to seaweed. I must… seek kelp.

 Business One-liners 75

In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Behavior Modification Re-enforcers

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification re-enforcers”.
Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire,
“What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.

2017 Math Class Response

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 7 and 2, and 28 and 44?'
Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'

A man asks his friend for a ci

A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."

From The Blonde Files – Short Flight Time –

A Blonde lady called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Los Angeles to New York?
The busy agent replied, 'Just a moment.'
The Blonde replied, 'Thank you,' and then hung up.

Honor Among Thieves

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted.
.............. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

 

 

“My washing machine b

“My washing machine broke down this morning, but I didn't get too agitated.”

Feared Meeting

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
'I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,' I told her.
'Oh,' she said. 'Say hi to Mommy for me.'