The best jokes (7801 to 7815)

Past Relationships

I made a graph of all my past relationships...
It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.

Refusal to offer mean assistant professor position

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience inrejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs atthis time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professorin your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Why are educated people so hot?

Why are educated people so hot?

Cause they got more degrees.

Photo by Наталия Когут on Pixabay

Pizza delivery guy

Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over.

This is known as the Domino's effect.

Joke Found on 21st Century Jokes (@ModernJokesJun) twitter page, originally published on Jun 4, 2014

Times change

Times change.
Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard County high schools in Columbia.
The students were protesting the fact the teachers got paid, when it was they who did all the work.

Large store of jokes

“The comedian with a large store of jokes came fully quipped.”

 Answering Machine Message 235

Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

Piece of beef into four pieces

Teacher: "If I divided a piece of beef into four pieces, what would I get?"

Student: "Quarters."

Teacher: "Right. Now if I divided the quarters again into halves what would I get?"

Student: "Eighths."

Teacher: "Right. Now if I divided those 8 pieces each into 8 more pieces what would I have?"

Student: "A hamburger."

One Man's Motiviation

Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

Illuminating Consequence

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Brass bands

“I have trouble liking brass bands. They are all made up of a bunch of blowhards.”

 Get Away With Murder

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

Two racetracks

“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”

What Do You Do?

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

Judge: I hope you realize what

Judge: I hope you realize what awaits you if you give false evidence?
Witness (gleefully): I surely do. Ten thousand Euros and a new BMW X6.