The best jokes (7786 to 7800)

More from the Blonde Files #401 of 7,678,231

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blonde chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Mr. See and Mr. Soar<

Mr. See and Mr. Soar
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

“What is a shoe repai

“What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert? Cobbler.”

“As I scent her out t

“As I scent her out to a choir cheep denim genes I waived good buy.”

Do you think I shall live...

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
"How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I don't have any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."The shepherd cheers," That’s correct, you can have your sheep."The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant "."How did you know?" asks the young man."Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back?"

Stealing A Board Game

A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...
He got Life.

"Darling," a husband whispered

"Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift."

The office playboy had a date

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
"Really?"
"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

Loss for Words

I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.
The pages are all BLANK!!!
I have no words to express my outrage.

 The Christmas Airport

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

 Telemarketers Go Away

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he\\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

John decided to go skiing with

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Various popular diets

A nurse, who has done a lot of research about dieting, had given information about the various popular diets including Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and the South Beach Diet.

She then mentioned a diet about which we haven't heard previously, but which she insists works for almost everyone:

The Dawn Keye Diet

To Lose Weight, Keep your Ass out of the Refridgerator.