The best jokes (91 to 105)

A Pygmy with a club

An adventurer travels through the jungle and is suddenly confronted by an unusual sight: fallen trees and trampled vegetation as if something gigantic has forced its way through. He decides to investigate.

After walking for a few minutes, he sees a dead elephant lying on its side and a pygmy jumping up and down with excitement on top of the fallen elephant. The adventurer inquires as to what is going on.

"The elephant, sir," explains the pygmy. "The elephant has gone mad. 'Tis terrible. Elephants are wise and friendly, but when an elephant goes mad, it destroys everything in its path. It cannot be reasoned with, no sir, and it cannot be helped in any way. Unfortunately, when it happens, the elephant has to be put down."

The adventurer inquires, "But how did you kill such a gigantic animal?"

"I killed it with a club," helpfully explains the pygmy.

"It must have been a big club," observes the adventurer.

"Yes, sir, a very big club indeed," says the pygmy. "We have over 300 members!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED !!"

A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream...

A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...

Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.” As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space. The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.

Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

Slogans....

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

Proudly showing off his new ap...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"

Six months to live

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.

"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."

A stingy old lawyer who had be...

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A wealthy merchant of 84 marri...

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."  

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Butler

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"
"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

Slowing Down

You know you've reached middle age...
When you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Teachers On Patrol

Teacher: I hope I didn't just see you looking at Harry's paper, Raymond!
Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!