The best jokes (1126 to 1140)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1126 to 1140. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
They Do Look Alike
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."
Color Me Purple
I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple
Family Avengers
What do you call it when your mother's sisters all gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil Aunties
My North Korean Friend
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.
That's What It Stands For
Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?”
Tom Hanks Memoir
When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"
Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
Few fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh
If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming
It's a huge Icebreaker
The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her.
I always say no because I simply can’t handle High, maintenance woman.
Someone asked me why I always go to the bathroom alone…
I’m just not a pee pal person.
5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe
to play Russian Roulette.
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
I sold my vacuum a few days ago
All it was really doing was there collecting dust.
Go for the Gold
Joan: "I'm looking for a golden anniversary gift for my husband."
Lisa: "But haven't you only been married fifteen years?"
Joan: "Yes, but it feels like fifty!"
11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:
What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!
How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake
There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days
Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."
Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.
I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.
I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"
My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
Wife and girlfriend
The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?"
My wife replied, "You tell me."
I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger."
My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!"
I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"
Pain Relief
Every time I get a headache I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children...
Just like the bottle says.
He Knows
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"
