The best jokes (12691 to 12705)

“Last year's bonfire

“Last year's bonfire permit has ex-pyred.”

“If you pay the ferry

“If you pay the ferryman before you get to the other side, don't be surprised if he Styx it to you.”

Monday

Monday - just like this guy just started cleaning the snow roof

Always be yourself...
U

Always be yourself...
Unless you can be a pirate...
in which case, DEFINITELY be a pirate!

I've Learned My Lesson

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

Hannibal Buress: Very Upsetting

I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

When I retire I'm gonna

When I retire I'm gonna grow six more arms. I gotta keep myself octopied.

Testicle bombs are an ever-pre

Testicle bombs are an ever-present threat in the Baltic states. But worrying about it too much can make you gonad.

“You can't lose pick

“You can't lose picking a sherbet for dessert.”

“After threading toge

“After threading together a fishing net the angler felt mesh better about himself.”

“I have written sever

“I have written several papers regarding weather effects. I saved them all in the cloud.”

 Too Much Analysis

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

“I was really on fire

“I was really on fire when I got my third degree!”

A guy walks into a bar, orders

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand.
"But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand.
"Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender.
This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy.
He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass.
"I told you," says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"

“Learning how to bake

“Learning how to bake a cake is easy - it's just mind over batter.”