The best jokes (12781 to 12795)

When I realized I had eaten pe

When I realized I had eaten petrified PlayDough, I nearly had a hardy tack.

Once there was a sperm named B

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys it's a blow job!"

Magician's assistants ar

Magician's assistants are highly sawed after.

I bought a driverless car, but

I bought a driverless car, but it drove itself off a cliff. What a lemming.

There is one TV psychologist w

There is one TV psychologist who is a compulsive over-eater. They call him Doctor Fill My Craw.

Maturing Puppy Love

Three years after the honeymoon it appears their puppy love had matured.
"You don't love me any more," she sobbed. "You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling."
"What do you expect," he demanded. "You've always got me in the doghouse."

Two longtime friends sipped Sc

Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles.
"And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether."

To set the scene, we are in Bo

To set the scene, we are in Borneo around 1900. A man is returning to his camp all alone when suddenly he finds himself facing about a score of unfriendly-looking - almost hostile - natives.
He thinks "headhunters", and although he has been a convinced atheist for many years he still mutters, "Oh my God! I think I'm buggered now!"
And a shalt of pearly light strikes miraculously down through the impenetrable foliage above him and lights him up, and a vast awesome voice from above rumbles, "Wrong, my son. You are not buggered yet. There's a sharp stone by your feet; why not use it to strike down the man nearest to you, for he is their chief?"
Our atheist looks up at the source of the light and murmurs, "Well - I'll be damned!" - which is prophetic, as it turns out, because as he stands the over the lifeless body of the chief, facing a score of absolutely horrified tribesmen, the vast and awesome voice from on high thunders, "Right, my son. NOW you're buggered!"

Dig This!

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

Prefixes Before and After

'Pre' means before...
'Post' means after...
To use both prefixes together would be preposterous!

A wife arrived home after a lo

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

Early Risers in Greece

Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

A man has been undergoing medi

A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist...you can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.

They made a movie about Soviet

They made a movie about Soviet censorship: The Hunt for Redactober.

An eight-year-old kid swaggere

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."