The best jokes (12811 to 12825)

Computer Commute

Why did the computer show up at work late?
It had a hard drive.

Lacking Good Looks

Women call me ugly occasionally, but that’s only until they hear how much money I make...
Then they say I’m poor and ugly.

There is no way to describe th

There is no way to describe the scheming, abrasive mailman character on TV's Seinfeld. He defies all Newmanclature.

Two kindergarten kids are talk

Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.
Girl: What is the capital of America?
Boy: Washington D. C.
Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!

New Year Vow

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered...
Nobody likes a quitter!

After My Father

Dad: “Son, I named you after my father.”
After My Father: “I know, Dad, I know.”

We'll We'll We'll...

We'll We'll We'll...
If it isn't autocorrect.

A cute little girl walks into

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Holmes and Watson went to a ve

Holmes and Watson went to a vegan restaurant that served only tree dishes. Watson asked Holmes how he would order. Sherlock replied “Elm entree, my dear.”

Radioactive cows are a rong

Radioactive cows are a glow bull phenomenon.

A traffic police constable sto

A traffic police constable stopped a motor bike: "Idiots, stop. You four are riding on a single bike. Don't you know it is a serious offence?"
Youngsters: "Four? Good grief, where is the fifth?"

Looks Different

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her. She then removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on!"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Pamela: I've seen your face s

Pamela: I've seen your face somewhere before.
Ron: How odd.
Pamela: Yes, it certainly is.

The Physics Lecture

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry, no time.”

Why won

Why won't the Pyramids ever fall down?